Dagens Steven Wright Top 15

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

When I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Half the people you know are below average.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."